@Eatingyourwords

cut a hole in the bottom of my tub of popcorn while on a date so when she goes for some she accidentally grabs a copy of my mixtape

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@dafloydsta

INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?

ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.

@fro_vo

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

@negaversace

Everybody loves saying “check on your friends!” without acknowledging that it is often hard and risky and difficult not to come off like “hey dude! Saw you acting nuts, thought I’d be your dad about it!”

@JeffMyspace

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

@factcheckingcuz

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

@the_hawlk

Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas

@ddsmidt

When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.

I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.

@TheToddWilliams

[Bethsaida 28 AD]

BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves

“Five loaves please”

BAKER: Huh?

“Jesus is here”

BAKER: Sonuva

@spinubzilla

haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”

@aka_fatman

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist