You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
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CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.