@MartaEffing

Cut back on carbs by putting two hot dogs in one bun.

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@KeetPotato

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

@_GrahamPatrick

PARTY GUEST: So, how did you two meet?
HUSBAND: Oh, it’s a bit of a fairytale, right darling?
[wife is clearly a wolf in a dress]
WIFE: Yes.

@1BigMick

Hey guy that puts the stickers on tomatoes, nobody likes you.

@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@bngzyface

[At the gym]

Him: Time for crunches.

Me: *Already shoving Doritos into my mouth* Way ahead of you.

@BenjaminJS

Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”

@PJTLynch

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that