CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.