CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
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Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
What if all the cashiers are married?
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.