Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
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No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition