where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.