I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
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My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
🤣🤣🤣
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…