CUTE CAT‼︎
You Might Also Like
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
the Monday after daylight savings
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?