cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
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WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
Phonetics
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.