cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys