cute girl: can i have ur number?

me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use

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*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.


Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together


Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun


Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables


‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.


ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in

SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin


People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.


This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.


I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.