Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT