Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
You Might Also Like
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
*an ad plays*
me: [under my breath] ? ???’? ??????? ???? ????
me: omg thank you
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
DAD: Your mother and I love you very much, and I’m not sure how to tell you this, but… you’re adopted.
DOG: OMG THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
*walks by stable*