CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
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[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
I…do not understand how electricity works.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…