@Brampersandon_

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

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@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

@GrantTanaka

wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off

@spaceboyriley

Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close

@ClichedOut

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

@theDanLawler

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

@Douchekevin

You’ll know when it hits 0 degrees because all the Canadians will be wearing shorts, playing frisbee and BBQing outside.

@DaddyJew

“Do you remember that time we-“

Let me stop you right there, no.

@ShittyComedian

I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.

@patnspankme

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.