Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
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wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Me: and I’m sad
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
You’ll know when it hits 0 degrees because all the Canadians will be wearing shorts, playing frisbee and BBQing outside.
“Do you remember that time we-“
Let me stop you right there, no.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.