@jpeek01

Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs

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@LostFelicia

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

@HomeWithPeanut

I plan on being Batman for Halloween.

And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.

@heymonroe

That moment of panic when you accidentally swipe left on Bae while getting food off your phone.

@Darlainky

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

@XGroverX

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

@tracietom

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

@Love_bug1016

[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*

@moose_chocolate

I bet a cool thing would be to play musical chairs using toilets and call it “Game of Thrones”.

@causticbob

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!