Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
Cute girl in the office sees me do something with my left hand
Her: oh. You’re left-handed too
*I pretend to be left-handed for next 5 yrs
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I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”
J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.