Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
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Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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