date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
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I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.