I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted
You Might Also Like
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I didn’t want the cop to see that my car’s registration tags weren’t current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.