CUTE GIRL: [motioning to my dog] is he yours?
ME: no, he’s adopted

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I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.


Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*


If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.


ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager


[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent


[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.


I didn’t want the cop to see that my car’s registration tags weren’t current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too


marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret


Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.