Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure