Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
And that about sums it up.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge