One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
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When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
and now we wait
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.