Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
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by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.