Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
yall want some gasoline milk
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
#polloftheday
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL