Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
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Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Mmmm canned fish.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.