@AnkCoupleTO

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

You Might Also Like

@bobvulfov

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

@asherperlman

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: still on

me: *click*

ceiling fan: one more

me: *click*

ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!

@Rivs01

I can’t believe I used to talk to people.

@litfirebird

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

@Douchekevin

Never mind trying to scare me about going to hell religious people, it won’t work.

I was married for 6 years.

@HeyZeus666

Some people will believe anything if you start with ‘This is just between you and me’.

@flashember

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

@meganamram

I can’t believe it’s 2012 and street signals are still only telling white people to cross

@woodmuffin

GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made

ANGELS: [confused applause]