Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
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You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball