Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Very good! 👍😂
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.