Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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umm…
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework