Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.