My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
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Thank God there are no Bible verses shorter than 140 characters.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.