@lisaxy424

Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters

Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s

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@edgarrants

My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.

@RunJeffreyRun

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

@brynnester

[Flight]
Cabin Crew: The pilot & co are dead. Is there anyone on board who can fly the plane?
Harrison Ford: I can
CC: Anyone else at all?

@Elizasoul80

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

@hipchkk

Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.