Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*

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Pizza Hut ad: “Do you want the same old same old, or do you want the original?” Think about these words.


Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops


[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there


“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks


People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.


Apparently, my office doesn’t think the women’s restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.


Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me


*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine


EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdomโ€ฆno more
*raises sword*


[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u