Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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*pronounces fake like saké*
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
I’m about to risk it all
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice