Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

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I flip off the rollercoaster camera, then buy a mug with the picture on it, ride it again, flip off the camera again while sipping my mug


Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right


If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.


It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency


Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?


God: take the worst of his personality.

Angel: okay.

God: then take the worst of her personality.

Angel: got it.

God: now mix them all together.

Angel: what do you want to call this mess?

God: call it a kid.


Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.


*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.


Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.


[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times