Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
You Might Also Like
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.