@AskinWayne

Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.

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@Sophie2078

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

@djdarrellripley

Her: I noticed you’re wearing one green sock, and one red sock.

Me: Yea, I’ve got another pair just like these at home…

@Old_Pat_Bren

Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.

@Fazio_N

You’ve been robbed by *360 spin*
A smooooth crimi- *trips over own feet, drops tv, & butt dials police*

@GeriatricBeards

*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true

@adrianmyreality

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

@Reverend_Scott

Carl: Cold out night.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.

Me: Fair enough.

@fro_vo

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

@Cpin42

My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.

@DanielGAlarcon

yesterday morning after his soccer game, my 6 year old asked me how come the other team gets to change the color of their jerseys every week, while we always had to wear purple. when i explained that, in fact, we were playing against different teams each week, his mind was blown.