@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

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@fro_vo

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

@Cpin42

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

@Average_Dad1

Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting

@JJSummertime

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

@msdanifernandez

No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.

@TheAndrewNadeau

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

@blopt

My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]
“CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?”

@junejuly12

Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.

@MrEmilyHeller

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.