[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
*seductively corrects your posture*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.