[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

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me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening


Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]


Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!

Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting


Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.


No mom, I can’t date him. Well he took that which superhero are you quiz and well…*whispers* he got Daredevil.


[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…


My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]


Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.

Friend: Long time?

Me: Since lunchtime.

Friend: Until?

Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.


Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.