@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

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@Parkerlawyer

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

@meechonmars

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

@JohnMayer

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

@squirrel74wkgn

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

@randomapeig

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water