@OhNoSheTwitnt

[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

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@OkieGirl405

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

@DraggingFeeties

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

@momthoughts13

So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep

@bartandsoul

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

@thatUPSdude

That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.

@AbbyHasIssues

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

@Gupton68

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

@aotakeo

my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town

@Smug_Lemur

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.