I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
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Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
What if you’re a Gift Horse Dentist?
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
When I said I missed you, I meant with a hammer
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water