[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]

Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!

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I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit


“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”


“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having


So when married people take you on a tour of their house and show you the bedroom and say with a chuckle ‘this is where the magic happens’ they’re not talking about sex they’re talking about sleep


Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom



That awkward moment when you pretend to be on the phone so you can avoid talking to someone, then your phone rings.


The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.


I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.


my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?

me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town


Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.