*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

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If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.


I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.


*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.


5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’


Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”


My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.


wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”


While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.