@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

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@LostFelicia

If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.

@burgerdrome

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

@osigat

I’ve been called a lot of names but “designated driver” was never one of them.

@mydmac

*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.

*Returns to couch.

*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.

@bourgeoisalien

5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’

@leechee420

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

@PetrickSara

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

@KeetPotato

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

@Deurb1

While fixing my neighbors car I asked her for a screwdriver…
She asked if I had orange juice.
We’ve been dating since.