Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
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Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza