Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards

Creepy-crawlies

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

“Come out of your shell” they said.

*2 minutes later*

“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.

[war]

COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat

DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war

Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?

Me: Revenge.

the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality