*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
You Might Also Like
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first