[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”


I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.


4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.


I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.


It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.


A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.


If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do


Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.


She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.