@NotMarkAllen

[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.

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@DanMentos

“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”

@RexHuppke

I went into Whole Foods tonight and yelled, “Somebody’s Labradoodle just jumped out of a parked Subaru!” and everyone ran out.

@Tired_Dad_of_2

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

@ilovepie84

I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.

@SondraDeeMe

It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.

@mela_shea

A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.

@1MeLrO

If you can’t kill them with kindness

A shovel will do

@minealone6

Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes in the bathroom.

@mamapjs1

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.