[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
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Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
me and the Superbowl rn
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.