Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
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[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
the red hot silly peppers
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.