It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
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I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.