CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket