@WoodyLuvsCoffee

CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No

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@katy_baybay

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

@tillygirl3

All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies
All the Pringle ladies

Get their hands stuck

@Pork_Chop_Hair

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

@AngryRaccoon2

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

@daemonic3

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

@fro_vo

*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis

@batkaren

Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…

@JimGaffigan

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.