@Juicedballs

cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks

me: Getting rid of it?

cw: Have to, why?

me: Is cats it’s only defect?

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@egg_dog

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

@stephenjmolloy

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

@KattsDogma

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

@LuvPug

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

@AyeGimp

Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.

@Scigglez

I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.

@GrandadJFreeman

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…

@TheRolo

*Types*

I have lumps on my head.

WebMD: Batman

@KylePlantEmoji

Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol