Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
cw: 4 is allergic to cats & we have a 9yr old cat at home. Sucks
me: Getting rid of it?
cw: Have to, why?
me: Is cats it’s only defect?
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Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Stand in a crowd, put your finger to your ear secret agent style, say out loud “target is in site!”, see who panics.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…
I have lumps on my head.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol