There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
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[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
…u ok Nintendo?
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard