CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
Me: That’s my signature.

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This guy in the elevator asked for my number so I wrote it on his arm. Apparently he meant which floor, so that was awkward.


Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce


Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE


My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.


At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”


‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.


[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go


One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.


Tried my hand at this whole ‘cougar’ business but I just don’t like the taste of hikers. It’s possible I read the wrong Wikipedia page.