CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
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Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk