CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
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I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus