@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

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@mama_earp

Announced sternly to students today that “only hard things are worth doing!” In other news, I have a bunch of parent emails to respond to.

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@aveuaskew

I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.

@robin_991

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.

@funflaps

Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.

@sarcasm_inc

*waiter lays down my plate*
“Can I get u anything else?”
U CAN GET ME HAPPY FACE PANCAKES LIKE I ORDERED, U FUC-
*he rotates my plate*
oh ok

@kentgrossarth

Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?

@mydmac

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.