My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
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Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
The best part of being lactose intolerant is the cure for constipation is cheese.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.
Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.