@Playing4Second

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

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@kelkulus

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

@causticbob

Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.

Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.

@shariv67

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.

@JustASmirk

The best part of being lactose intolerant is the cure for constipation is cheese.

@Boba_Photo

Tomorrow is Friday the 13th. Celebrate it by walking very slowly yet still managing to catch up to people.

@milehighocd

Don’t take a shower when you’re drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.

@theevilwriter

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

@bourgeoisalien

probably the most valid reason to have a kid is if you ever wanted to watch another person take 2 hours to eat 5 apple slices

@peteholmes

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

@jordan_stratton

I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.