CW: How was your weekend?

*finds nearest object*

CW: Are you talking to a stapler?

“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”

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wife: what r u doing

me: shredding my birth certificate

wife: why

me: *starts disappearing* it’s working


Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.


The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.


Murder is justifiable if it’s against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn’t wish to speak.


Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd

Me: um technically the plural is *fish*


You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous

Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby


8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?

Me: that’s purely speculation


girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler


*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook


Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.