wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
You Might Also Like
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Murder is justifiable if it’s against a person who calls you and hands their phone off to another person with whom you didn’t wish to speak.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
8yo [looking at a poorly wrapped gift] was Santa drunk when he wrapped this?
Me: that’s purely speculation
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Thank you autocorrect for changing “we met in person” to “we met in prison”. This is going to be a wonderful family dinner. I can just feel it.