CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
You Might Also Like
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
A classic…
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load