CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
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that de-escalated quickly
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
ouch
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.