I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
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HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack