I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Oh the world we live in…
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan