God: you’re a bird.
God: but you can’t fly.
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
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I like to tell people my English is bad so they think I’m a foreigner when in reality I’m really just stupid
I never close my eyes in the shower because that’s how murderers know when to show up and kill you.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses…
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?