CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

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God: you’re a bird.

Penguin: yay!

God: but you can’t fly.

Penguin: why?

God: you need way more feathers to fly.

Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.

[flying squirrel glides by]


God: technically that’s not flying lol.


I like to tell people my English is bad so they think I’m a foreigner when in reality I’m really just stupid


I never close my eyes in the shower because that’s how murderers know when to show up and kill you.


I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.


When I was a kid ‘friends with benefits’ meant that kid had a nintendo.


Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?


Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors


*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*


COP: careful, this guy’s insane
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ


Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses…
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?