CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
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What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55