You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*limbos away from your hug*
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.