CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
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Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat: